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Heaven's Journal

I’m A Mom And I Don’t Know It All

I wish I could always have the right answers for my children when they ask me questions about life.

The perfect answer. The smart answer. An answer that would always make them feel good and like there isn’t anything their mom doesn’t know.

Why the sky is blue? How do trees grow? Why do we die? Where does God live? 

As Brooklyn is getting older I am now faced with the many inquisitive thoughts and questions of a 4 year old. As she is learning more about life, God, and the world around her I have noticed her questions changing with a weight of depth that they haven’t carried before. I know these questions will change and become even more frequent as she gets older.

I admire the way that God has wired her brain. She is the smartest little girl I know, and trust me… I am not just saying that because she is my kid. She notices every intricate detail of a room- and if you rearrange or move something… even the slightest bit, she is the the first to notice with much admiration.

{That’s why she is my decorating buddy and party planner because we think the same and she is precise….. just like her mama.}

She remembers absolutely everything. I mean even things from 2 years ago. It’s insaneShe honestly asked Alex and I the other day why she doesn’t play with her friend anymore. This was a friend she hasn’t seen in 2 YEARS! It was crazy.

And If you teach her something even once, she will never forget it. 

When I realized she had such an amazing ability to remember things I made a mental note to be extra careful with certain things I did or said- especially that I didn’t want repeated to people like…..  to her pre school teacher. (I am still working on this). 

She actually once told her teacher that she liked to drink milk from my boobs because I was explaining to her why Chase was nursing. I told her that she did the same thing when she was a baby and that babies like milk from their mommy. That was a funny conversation that I had cleared up with her teacher when she came home from school that day and said, “I told Mrs. Fenchack I was drinking milk from your boobs!!!!”

Of course it’s all natural and normal- but that is a small, less embarrassing example of many circumstances that have occurred. So, lesson learned- don’t ever tell her something if your not going to keep your word or if you don’t want to be completely humiliated. She will remember and she will hold you accountable. 

I never want my children to question my integrity or my actions. I want my words to speak truth and my actions to reflect that. I want them to feel safe with me. Even in their deepest moments of guilt or sorrow. 

Before I had kids I knew it all. I knew my child would never throw a temper tantrum in the store because I was going to know how to discipline my kids. Yeah…….. I was humbled really fast when that first temper tantrum happened in the toy aisle of Target and it hasn’t been the last one. 

There is something about having children that just simply humbles you. At least for me. All my pre conceived ideas about kids disappeared within the first year of becoming a mom and I feel like I have learned more about myself and life in the last 4 years than ever before.

Shoot… I am still learning… daily. I have a lot of it to do and I’m only 4 years in right now. I’m starting to think the learning will never end. 

It’s beautiful how God created life and this continual cycle of changing seasons with valuable lessons. Now, my children are toddlers/babies and soon they will be kids, teenagers, young adults, married, and one day giving me grandchildren. There is always something to be learned in each season. 

I use to think “I am the parent, I should always have an answer for them”. And a right answer at that. 

But something I have personally learned in just the last couple years is it’s okay to NOT always have the right answer. It’s okay to say “I don’t know but I will do my best to find out”.

Brooklyn went through a phase of trying to understand death and why it happens. I remember feeling so conflicted because 1. I knew her little mind could not grasp the depth of death and I couldn’t explain it in too much detail and 2. I don’t ever want to put God’s reason or my own words in His mouth. 

He is faithful to speak to us through His word. Not our idea of what he has to say. 

I don’t know why God does what He does. I don’t know why there is cancer, why a child loses a parent, why parents lose a child, or why any of these life altering tragic events happen in people’s lives. 

I know my faith tells me that God is sovereign and great is our Lord abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure (ps. 147:5). Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding (prov 3:5). Therefore, I am left with a peace that passes all understanding. 

I have to trust that God will work in my children’s life according to His will and purpose. I never want to force my beliefs, reasons, or answers on them unless it is genuine and honest- and even at that force isn’t necessarily the right word. 

I never want to make up an answer for them because it “sounds good”.

His hand has been on me in my darkest moments and He was nothing but faithful to answer me in His timing.

I am not the perfect parent; I am so far from it. I think everyday how I could have done better than the day before. I think how I wish I could be this perfect image of motherhood in my head…. but truth is sometimes your just tired, sick of the tantrums, sick of it all, and out of that can come spouts of ugliness.

In those moments I have had to be honest with my kids and say “mommy messed up and I am sorry, will you forgive me?”

So, when I am posed with a question by my child, even a question about death or something beyond my understanding, and I don’t know the right answer, I have learned that it’s okay to be honest and just say…. “I don’t know”. 

Even, “I don’t know, we should pray about it together”.

Because giving an answer the “sounds good” will always disappoint if there is no substantial truth to it; and the “sounds good, feels good” answer will always disappoint if there is no authentic action behind my words. 

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2 Comments

  • Reply Beverly

    I think your a really good mom, and your right we don’t always have the answers. We do the best we can with Gods help.

    March 23, 2017 at 4:44 am
  • Reply Allison Renner

    So beautifully written Mama. I too, think often about how I want my answers to my toddler to sound right as you said, but I love your ideas of speaking Gods word and then saying I don’t know, let’s pray about that together when we honestly don’t know. Thanks for sharing your wisdom! XO

    March 30, 2017 at 1:08 am
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