Heaven's Journal

When I Thought I Wanted All Girls

“No!” was my first answer to anyone who ever asked if I wanted to have a boy. “I just love girls, I grew up with all girls and have 2 younger sisters” is literally what I would always say. Which is true… I LOVE having my girls, and I loved having sisters only.

Growing up as the oldest of 3 girls was a special childhood experience… we just have a deep indescribable bond between the 3 of us. The thought of being a mom to a boy was non existent and having girls was really what I saw for my future.

So… when we went in for the gender ultrasound of our 3rd baby I was already 99.9% convinced I was having a girl.  I remember laying on the bed and suddenly feeling super anxious. The ultra sound tech started putting the gel on my tummy and I had a feeling like something was saying… get ready. I kept looking towards Alex to see if he was feeling the same as I was, but of course his body language was totally calm and collected- as usual- and I’m trying not to hyperventilate. 

There’s the foot… the hand… blah, blah, blah, and then I saw IT. Yes, I said, “IT”, because I couldn’t even fathom that I was capable of actually recognizing that kind of body part in an ultrasound picture; as I’m thinking all this in my head she says….. “your having a boy!”

I was completely shocked.

The thought of raising a son had weighed heavy on me for so long. Before we even had kids the thought of it would scare me. It felt like sooooo much pressure to me for some reason, much more than raising girls. I felt like I knew girls. I knew nothing about boys other than what I had seen in my life growing up. How was I going to teach him to be a good man? How will I show him to love the Lord?  I want him to be a gentleman. I want him to stay pure. I want him to love his wife. I want him to love me.

I want him to love me.

Since the age of 12 mine and my father’s relationship turned a complete 180 circle and I have not known the man I once knew pre 12 years old. He was the only “boy” I knew, the only boy I ever grew up with, and practically the only example I ever looked too. We have mainly had a relationship through back and forth jail letters. You know… that extra big yellow lined paper inmates use to write their letters on? Oh, I have sooooo many letters stashed away in a file titled “letters from dad”. I anticipated each and every letter that came in the mail. I held on so tightly to every word and every promise written in those letters. The young me (I’m still young but the extra young me) was left SO disappointed SO many times.

There were many dark days I walked longing to see the good in my dad, desiring to feel loved, and hoping to see a example in my life of what a dad was like….what my dad was like.

Despite those long dark days I have been grateful enough to experience brief sober moments in my adult life- and I cherish those. I pray that those moments stay locked as a beautiful memory inside my heart forever. I needed to embrace them knowing they were few and far between.

Experiencing such disappointment from the closest example of a man I had in my life began to instill a deep fear in me about ever having a son of my own.

When she said “your having a boy” these thoughts flooded my mind immediately.

If your a mom of a boy you know what moms always say about their boys. It’s the thing moms always talk about when they say “moms and sons just have a different bond”.

I never understood it.

Would I have the same bond?

I was so worried I would not have the same bond with my son that I heard everyone else talk about. I asked nearly every mom I knew if it was true that mothers and sons have a different bond and the answer was always yes.

I wanted to ask a million other questions without being extremely weird but the response was always, its just different.

What does that even mean?

“It’s just different”?

I prayed so many nights asking God to give me wisdom and help me not to be fearful of having a son. I was so afraid I would fail at raising him, or that I would love him so much and he wouldn’t love me back. I had a huge unrealistic fear that my son would turn out to be like the closest man I knew growing up. Seeing someone so close to me with bad patterns in their life was hindering my love and excitement for someone I hadn’t even met yet.

BUT, you know what one of the most freeing thing about raising kids is?

It is realizing and trusting that they were never mine to begin with and they and are HIS. God is in control and God is sovereign. No matter what.

As the parent I am here as His vessel. His vessel to love and raise. To set an example of Him and glorify Him through my life and my actions. Not just my words.

When I started to truly rest in the fact that God is sovereign in my life, in my family’s life, and in my children’s life- no matter what- the fear of raising a son began to diminish.

Giving birth to Chase was the most beautiful birth experience I could have asked for. Alex and I welcomed our son on 11/12/16 and the moment I saw him all of those fears of raising a boy went away. And it truly is like they say…..

It’s just different

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  • Reply Beverly

    Well. My experience has just been with my grandsons and it is DIFFERENT. Enjoyable Each grandson is certainly one of a kind.

    February 15, 2017 at 9:59 pm
    • Reply heavendykhuizen

      This is very true 🙂

      February 17, 2017 at 6:28 am

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